Tuesday, January 11, 2011

24 hours of silence

So here I am, wanting to blog either on Turkey, 2010, Bukit Tinggi or the recent Pharmacy Course Night but feeling slightly emo right now.

I am sick. Again. For the umpteenth time. Shit. And I wanted to shout this Thursday, when I am going to a concert. Yup, broke my concert virgin (ok. not sound so nice there) and splurge out to get as near as possible to my favourite Korean Idols - B2ST, 4 Minute and G.Na.

First time I am getting this - Inflammation of vocal cords. It started out as mild sore throat and fever. After fever's gone, the sore throat persisted. And then last night was the ultimatum. I shouted and cheered too much, forgetting the condition of my throat. And obviously I strained it. Now I have no more voice, or more like a muffled, hoarse whisper. Doctor's advice: Refrain from talking for the next 24 hours.

I got medical leave for tomorrow's classes but feel like in a dilemma to miss class. I don't know why but since young, I don't like to play truant. Sigh. But I cannot risk losing my voice so I am going to listen to the doc and stay at Setapak tomorrow, hoping to catch up on my mountain of notes. However, there is a important workshop in the afternoon so yup, I am dragging myself to campus still. Just hope no one will ask me too many questions. It's difficult to control myself from not speaking as frequently or as normally as I used to.

Lately, I realized if I have been clinging on to some things. I am more like an idealist than a realist. Often, I find myself daydreaming and having fantasies rather than to face the facts like they are. I credit this to my childhood ambition of wanting to be a writer. I am just saying this because I feel like I put my hopes in someone and that person just really disappoint me. It seems to me like this person will never change and until now, I don't know why I care so much for this person. Perhaps, I am indeed too much of a dreamer, hoping that I can change this person, when in fact, deep down, I know I probably have zero influence on this person.

Four weeks into my classes now and I feel like in an ultimate mess. Notes are piling up, all white and clean as I have yet to find the mood to scrutinize them. My closet's in a mess too, with things coming in but never going out. And with my current condition now, I just don't feel like bothering with any of this clean-up. But I know this is an excuse because even if I am not sick, I probably will not clean up either.

2011 is here already. A few more months and I will be starting my working life. Problem is, I don't feel prepare for it. After so many years in uni, have I even mature? I don't feel proud of the things I did here although I have met many wonderful people. Looking at others, it feels like everyone are so grown up and I am always lost, constantly. This feels like a challenge, to me.

Maybe that is how life is? Maybe I should do something?

Crap, I have stomachache now. And it's 2am. January is just not a good month for me:(

3 comments:

Ultraman Jino said...

i wish i have lost my voice for a week, then i dont have to work for a week. if you have dreams, talk to yourself. and who knows, you might find a way to realize your fantasies? i always do that to myself...




[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot

Anonymous said...

I lose my voice every single year for NO reason. It is very annoying because I have to talk all day at my job. It lasts about a week each time and I just drink a lot of hit tea and suck on cough drops.

Good for you to listen to your doctor, you will heal faster that way and hopefully not have any permanent damage. Good luck with catching up on your notes! Soon you will be done with school and out in the big, wide world.

-Marie in TX

FIFIONA said...

jino > haha, don't we all wish we don't have to go to work? Maybe, but I am really pessimistic, don't think dreams come true so easily...

Marie > Thanks for your comforting advice. As for now, my voice has returned but still pretty hoarse. Aargh, it has been more than a week now. Hope it heals soon:)

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