24 hours of silence

So here I am, wanting to blog either on Turkey, 2010, Bukit Tinggi or the recent Pharmacy Course Night but feeling slightly emo right now.

I am sick. Again. For the umpteenth time. Shit. And I wanted to shout this Thursday, when I am going to a concert. Yup, broke my concert virgin (ok. not sound so nice there) and splurge out to get as near as possible to my favourite Korean Idols - B2ST, 4 Minute and G.Na.

First time I am getting this - Inflammation of vocal cords. It started out as mild sore throat and fever. After fever's gone, the sore throat persisted. And then last night was the ultimatum. I shouted and cheered too much, forgetting the condition of my throat. And obviously I strained it. Now I have no more voice, or more like a muffled, hoarse whisper. Doctor's advice: Refrain from talking for the next 24 hours.

I got medical leave for tomorrow's classes but feel like in a dilemma to miss class. I don't know why but since young, I don't like to play truant. Sigh. But I cannot risk losing my voice so I am going to listen to the doc and stay at Setapak tomorrow, hoping to catch up on my mountain of notes. However, there is a important workshop in the afternoon so yup, I am dragging myself to campus still. Just hope no one will ask me too many questions. It's difficult to control myself from not speaking as frequently or as normally as I used to.

Lately, I realized if I have been clinging on to some things. I am more like an idealist than a realist. Often, I find myself daydreaming and having fantasies rather than to face the facts like they are. I credit this to my childhood ambition of wanting to be a writer. I am just saying this because I feel like I put my hopes in someone and that person just really disappoint me. It seems to me like this person will never change and until now, I don't know why I care so much for this person. Perhaps, I am indeed too much of a dreamer, hoping that I can change this person, when in fact, deep down, I know I probably have zero influence on this person.

Four weeks into my classes now and I feel like in an ultimate mess. Notes are piling up, all white and clean as I have yet to find the mood to scrutinize them. My closet's in a mess too, with things coming in but never going out. And with my current condition now, I just don't feel like bothering with any of this clean-up. But I know this is an excuse because even if I am not sick, I probably will not clean up either.

2011 is here already. A few more months and I will be starting my working life. Problem is, I don't feel prepare for it. After so many years in uni, have I even mature? I don't feel proud of the things I did here although I have met many wonderful people. Looking at others, it feels like everyone are so grown up and I am always lost, constantly. This feels like a challenge, to me.

Maybe that is how life is? Maybe I should do something?

Crap, I have stomachache now. And it's 2am. January is just not a good month for me:(